Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts

4 Jan 2008

Really, Really Old


B boy and I were walking behind the rest of the family on our recent visit to the beautiful city of York in England. We pretty much always make up the tail end of a group. Benjamin has little legs, so he walks slowly.

And he likes to talk.

I often wish he'd speak clearer, so I wouldn't have to stop and bend down to hear him, but mostly, I just enjoy his chattering. He'll make comments about people he sees, things that happened at school that day, and even events from years ago that he's suddenly remembered. Everything with infectious enthusiasm and usually with a slightly cheeky undercurrent.

We don't get anywhere quickly with B boy onboard, but the journey is almost always amusing.

And then there's times when his innocence just slays me. Like that day in York. As we crossed a busy street, I was pulling and tugging on him to hurry up. Those little legs were moving even slower than normal, and definitely not as quickly as the flow of traffic.

Because Benjamin had spotted the ruined remnants of an old stone building. Except to him it was simply a house with no roof, and he absolutely could not understand why there was a house with no roof in the middle of York.

"It's just an old, old house, B boy, I'm sure it's protected," I said.

"How old?" he asked.

"Hundreds and hundreds of years old," I answered absent-mindedly, still trying to get us across the road safely.

"I get it. As old as black-and-white TV, right?" said my genius boy.

I almost stopped in the middle of the street, but managed to get us across to the other side of the intersection before replying:

"No, even older than that. Many hundreds of years old."

"Oh, back from the dinosaur age, then," he declared with total insight.

Which is when I swore to myself never to tell B boy that our first black-and-white TV was bought after I was born. Never, ever!

14 Dec 2007

An Early Christmas Present

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.



'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.



'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.



'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'



The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.



'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.



Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.'

And so the Lord let her keep him.

7 Dec 2007

Wildly Wordy World

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational invites readers to enter new word definitions after taking a real word and changing, dropping or adding one letter.

Check out these winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

Equally amusing:

1. coffee , n. the person upon whom one coughs.

2. flabbergasted , adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one
has gained.

3. abdicate , v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4 esplanade , v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. willy-nilly , adj. impotent.

6. negligent , adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing
only a nightgown.

7. lymph , v. to walk with a lisp.

8. gargoyle , n. olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. flatulence , n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. balderdash , n. a rapidly receding hairline.

11. testicle , n. a humorous question on an exam.

12. rectitude , n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. pokemon , n. a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. oyster , n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism , n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. circumvent , n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.

23 Nov 2007

Off To The Cottage...

But I'm going to leave you with something that's all over the newspapers here today, courtesy of Michael Moore. If you have a couple of minutes, you might get a laugh at the utopia called Norway.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

8 Nov 2007

One Night In Dubai

We had invited my parents over for dinner last night, and Mike and I were in the kitchen prepping an easy Tex-Mex dinner while the boys were watching TV. Suddenly, Christopher came running into the kitchen, and he was extremely excited:

C: "Did you know that the most expensive hotel in the world is in Saudi Arabia?"
Me: "Oh, really? I thought it was in Dubai."
C: "Yes, that's right."
Me: (??!) "It's the one that looks like a sail, right?"
C: "Yep. It's a seven star hotel!"
Me: "Wow."
C: "And when you go, they give you your own butler!"
Me: "That's great, Christopher."
C: "Yes, and if you go out shopping and you have too many shopping bags, your butler will take them to the hotel for you. Then he'll come back and get you when you're done with the rest of your shopping!"
Me: "Excellent."
C: "It costs 3,000 dollars a night."

Mike (loudly, because he's now setting the table in the dining room): "That's a lot of money. For that amount of money, you could buy a PlayStation, an XBOX 360, a Wii and 20 games."

Benjamin (yelling from the living room, having heard only the last part of the conversation): "I want a Wii and 20 games."

Christopher walks back into the living room to Benjamin.

B (still yelling): "I want a Wii and 20 games!"
C (clearly exasperated with everyone for missing the point): "But Benjamin! You could have a servant."

3 Nov 2007

The Bachelor

American:




Norwegian:




Discuss.


(Photo Credit: abc.com & TV3.no)

16 Oct 2007

Trimming The Budget

Norway is one of the wealthiest countries in the world. The UN says so, the IMF says so and the list goes on.

So, I've been wondering how come everything in Norway seems small and cute, and not large and expensive, like in North America? I mean, they should be able to afford BIG, right?

Instead, Norwegians drive cute little cars, live in cute little houses, and eat all their meals at home. They don't wear flashy clothing. Jeans and sweaters are de rigeur. For fun, they go for walks in the mountains, the forests, and along the coast. In the wintertime, they cross-country ski.

A wholesome and idyllic existence, for sure, but also pretty frugal. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but what about all that cash that they are supposed to have? Where does it all go?

I think I may have solved the mystery.

A large chunk of their annual budgets is spent on changing this:


Into this:




You are looking at pictorial evidence of my boys' $50.00 hair cuts. Yep, that would be $50.00 per boy! In case you are wondering why Christopher doesn't look any different, that's because he wants long hair and talked us and the hairdresser into only getting a trim. A $50.00 trim.

So yes, I will be returning to Canada in May with very long hair. Because $50.00 is a kids' only rate, and does not even get me access to the chair...

12 Oct 2007

Just In Case You Were Wondering

If you see a snail on the other side of a puddle, do not jump into the puddle. I know you're dying to, but you really shouldn't.

"Why?" you ask.

Benjamin will tell you that the snail has worms in it that come out as it moves through a puddle, and if you subsequently jump into said puddle, the worms may work their way through your shoe sole and bore into your foot. They will then crawl all the way up to you heart or brain. AND...if the worms stay there for long enough, you might die!

His source for this was National Geographic.

I'm thinking he may have missed a few things, but why take chances. Starting right now, I will never again jump into a puddle following a snail!

Still not sure about puddles that appear snail-free.

*****

In other news, we had a fabulous Thanksgiving dinner last night.

Improvisation was the name of the game, since, this being Norway, there's no pre-cooked turkey, fresh turkey or even frozen turkey to be found. Anywhere! There is also no Stove-Top anything, cranberry sauce or Reynold's plastic oven bags.

So here's what we ended up with:

Three chickens
Saucisses (mini sausages - huge hit with the boys)
Bacon
Roasted potato wedges (would have loved mash, but was voted down)
Homemade celery, onion and sage stuffing (which I have to admit was fantabulous)
Cranberry jelly
Brussels sprouts, carrots and green beans
Gravy

...not your traditional Thanksgiving dinner - but everyone loved it! Or if they didn't, they pretended really hard, because most of the food was gone.

And to finish it off - pumpkin pie being unavailable - we opted for crepes with chocolate mousse. Mmmm...delicious!

Thanks for all your well wishes. They were greatly appreciated.

25 Sept 2007

No Pulitzer Prize In Our Future

"What do you do if you see a kid standing all alone in the schoolyard?"

I asked, wanting to test my boys' social acuity.

"Well," said Christopher, "if he looks like he is lonely and has no one to talk to, I'd walk over and introduce myself and ask if he wants to play."

Music to a mother's ears.

That didn't do it for Benjamin. He needed another scenario:

"If he is sitting on a rock all by himself, and he is writing something, I'll go over and ask if he wants to play."

Can you tell that Benjamin has issues with writing?

21 Sept 2007

God and the Devil

I don't mean to be turning this into "The Benjamin Show"...but this was too good not to blog about:

Friday mornings always seem a little more pleasant - Mike and I have the 'ah, the last rushed morning before the weekend' feeling, and even the kids are more animated and chatty while eating breakfast. On that note, Benjamin stole the show this morning.

You have to know that our household is non-religious. Mike is a self-proclaimed atheist, and I'm...well...I'm still thinking about it, but tending towards the agnostic side of things. However, we tread gently when it comes to our children. We do not want to push our views onto them, but rather let them have a chance to make up their own minds in due time.

Benjamin, having just turned 7, has been deemed too young to really talk to about this as of yet. So we've kept it at the level of 'some people believe...' and 'other people believe...', and tried to instill in him respect for different beliefs and the idea that this is a really private and personal matter.

Clearly, we need to do better, because unbeknownst to us, Benjamin has already acquired a lot of information on this subject. I almost coughed out my toast when this headliner came out of my lastborn's mouth as he finished his yogurt:

"God was lucky to die first!"

Mike and I looked at each other in stunned silence. 'What?!'

"What do you mean?" I inquired.

Well, that just opened the floodgates - God was lucky to die first because he got to go to Heaven and become God. Everyone else died after him and could not become God, because that job was taken.

Although Jesus was a nice boy who helped God and all the others. Benjamin's enunciation can be a little off sometimes, so 'Jesus' came out as 'cheeses'. Mike didn't get it first, and asked "God was helped by cheeses?". Only a man.

Benjamin also informed us that the Devil is made of fire and stone, and has a spear. He is not very nice, because he uses a weapon.

And when it comes to Heaven, well, it is divided into two. The first half is God's side, which is about 72000 miles. The other half is the Devil's half, and it is only 2000 miles. God's side is larger because Jesus helped him.

I have to admit, for a fleeting second after he said this I was tempted to turn this into a math problem (they are doing fractions at school). You know, 'is it really two halves, if one side of Heaven is bigger than the other?' But I wanted to hear the rest of it - and besides, that would just be such a lame 'mother' thing to do; turn everything into a lesson.

God's side - which is also called Heaven (yes, I see the inconsistency, but this is what you get when your poor son is left to his own devices) - is cloudy with water, and it looks like you are on the clouds, except you don't fall off. The Devil's side is called (lower your voice to a whisper) - Hell - but we are not allowed to say that, because it is a bad word. So we only say the Devil's side. It has red clouds and has fire, and you sleep on spikes.

As I said, we were stunned.

But wait...there's more... Benjamin wants to be the God of Thunder. Apparently that position has not been filled. Because the Norwegian God of Thunder - called Thor - died when he killed a snake, and it killed him back just before it died (this was a bit confusing, but he was adamant they both killed each other). Then a French God took over the thundering! Mike - and his British ancestry - was quick to seize this opportunity, "So we can blame the French for the thunder and lightning?", but Benjamin explained that the French God had died, too.

And there you have it. Any questions?

15 Sept 2007

Signs: The Prague Edition



Hold the seasoning. I prefer my pork knee just roasted and smoked. Thanks...



...if hubby's new job does not work out, I found your Plan B...




...everyone knows that the finest palate with which to enjoy the best Chinese cuisine (!) is beer-infused...



...so how much is one 7 year old and one 10 year old?

5 Sept 2007

You gotta love'em...


Boy, n.: a noise with dirt on it. ~Not Your Average Dictionary


*****************************************************


Conversation between Benjamin and Christopher as we walked past a bunch of parked bicycles, while looking for a washroom in which to wash dirt out of Benjamin's eye:

C: "Benjamin, when are you going to learn how to ride a bicycle?"
B: "Never!"
C: "What if when you are married, your wife asks you to go for a bike ride?"
B: "I'll say I don't want to."
C: "Every time?"
B: "Yep!"
C: "What if she asks you to do the Tour de France with her?"
B: "Then I'll just take the car."


****************************************************


We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today. ~Stacia Tauscher